Untrendy

I need to work on my narcissism. Like, soon. Because if I don't step up my game, I'm not going to be able to compete for your attention. And I crave it.

Perhaps I should start this post by revealing a couple of my biggest secrets--I predict that would keep interest levels in this blog high. Or maybe just stick to small details to keep it personable, like what I'm wearing (hint: not underwear) or what I had for breakfast (naked juice and muskmelon).

And while you pontificate on this tantalizing post, you should check out my Twitter--never have you seen a collection of Tweets so sublime. "I want to rip Justin Bieber's hair out by the roots and wear it on my face. Then I can revolutionize the angular beard flip. #realtalk" Or "Glenn Beck:Restoring Honor::Paris Hilton:Not Doing Cocaine." I am like Confucius, except in 160 characters or less.

Okay, if you haven't stopped reading by now, at the very least I hope you are annoyed. Because if you aren't, chances are you are part of the problem.

I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like my Facebook news feed has basically become an endless stream of vacuous self-indulgence. I would say the same about my Twitter timeline, but it's always been like that--the entire website was built on shameless self-promotion.

Don't get me wrong--I love Facebook and Twitter. I think they are great tools to share ideas and stay in touch with people all over the world. I guess my main complaint is directed at those people who have taken these tools and run them into the ground.

People who think it necessary to share every fleeting thought that comes to mind, no matter how personal or disgusting. "I just farted and it smells like Bigfoot's dick." Thank you. Unfriended. I know you were referencing "Anchorman," but that doesn't make your status any less horrifying.

And to the people who post their agenda every morning to their six thousand friends: You are asking to be stalked and raped. That might be an exaggeration, but still. Nobody wants to know your damn schedule. Please make note.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't post something to Twitter or Facebook that you wouldn't mind reading in your own news feed or timeline. Otherwise, you will be unfollowed, unfriended, and, most importantly, #untrendy.