Losing Faith: Autopilot

Before I continue with this topic, I just want to clarify a few things. Number one: I am not writing these posts to be hurtful, to seek attention, to cast blame or to make anyone feel sorry for me. I am writing them in order to practice getting my thoughts down in a concise, readable manner. Please don't worry about me, my happiness or my eternal soul--while I appreciate your concern, know that it is unnecessary.

Number two: I feel better about my life and who I am now more than I ever have. I have considered myself an atheist for over a year now, and I am extremely happy with my life. I feel that I have strong moral values, and I attribute a lot of that to my parents. The difference now is that I adhere to my moral convictions because I believe it is the right thing to do, not because I'll be damned to hell if I don't.

Number three: If these posts make you sad, please stop reading now. I don't want you to be depressed on my account. Please see numbers two and three. I am not sad or scared--I don't want you to be either.

There, I think that's everything that needed to be said. Now I'll move on to the story of why I became a Christian. I hope you can see how un-unique it actually is.

If you are born to Christian parents, chances are as a child you will call yourself a Christian without thinking twice. The same goes for every Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist and Scientologist child as well (along with the plethora of other "-ists" I didn't mention, but which are no less important).

Basically, I became a Christian because I shared a placenta with someone who happened to be a Christian. Less graphically: I was born one.

It seems that religion is inherited in much the same manner as eye color, hair color and height: naturally, and without choice. You are Christian by default. You are Muslim because you were born that way. You are Hindu without question. (Or because you earned enough karma to avoid coming back as a sea slug--that could be it too.) This too was my experience growing up Catholic on autopilot.

My family went to church every Saturday evening or Sunday morning for as long as I can remember. We prayed before every meal. We read Bible stories. We watched Veggie Tales. We were Christians. And not just Christians, but Catholics, dammit.

I went through the motions. I figured it was either go to Sunday School or go to hell. Neither option was enticing, but, being practical, I chose the one with the cookies and Wiffleball.

Looking back, all of my religious motivations centered around my fear of going to hell, and how to avoid it. I would say the connection I felt to God was similar to that of an ant and a kid with a magnifying glass. I couldn't see or comprehend him, but I felt he could fry me at any second.

While I was taught that God created and loved everyone, I couldn't get my head around how He got off on burning people in lakes of fire. That didn't seem like something a loving God would do. (And, for the record, it still doesn't.) As a child, it terrified me.

I loved reading scary stories as a child, and I still do today. R.L. Stein's "Goosebumps" series was one of my favorites. I had over fifty of the books on my shelf, and would read and reread them with frequency. Even though they sometimes gave me nightmares, I was usually able to put them down and sleep soundly.

In contrast, after I read Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkin's "Left Behind" kids series, I don't think I slept for a month. If you are unfamiliar with these books, look them up on Wikipedia. They are an adaptation of the adult series of the same name, and, in my opinion, designed specifically to reinforce kids' fear of God and going to hell.

They certainly worked on me, scaring me more effectively than any vampire or werewolf book I had read at the time. (Note: there was a time when vampires used to be scary. Now they just sparkle in the sunshine and drive Volvos. "American literature" is fast becoming an oxymoron.)

Anyway, I guess my point is that my earliest religious memories are ones of fear. I'll continue this post tomorrow. Just like it did when I was a kid in church, religion makes me sleepy.